“I can’t discover my scissors so we’re gonna have to make use of a straight razor.”
It’s six within the morning. I’m sitting in a make-up trailer in downtown LA in a car parking zone subsequent to the river. I’ve landed a recurring position on one of many largest exhibits at the moment on tv. The form of present that’s a phenomenon, that makes folks fall in love with TV as a medium over again. I by no means thought I’d get this job. After I went to the audition I truthfully thought I used to be simply there for fill. So the truth that I’m right here already looks like a mistake.
I’d woken up at 3:00 a.m. as a result of I used to be so scared of sleeping by the alarm I’d set for 4:00 a.m. as a result of my name time was 6:00 a.m. however I needed to get there at 5:30 simply to be secure. They sat me within the hair chair at 5:55, and simply as I sat down, the showrunner’s assistant got here in and started speaking to the top of the hair division like I wasn’t there. They each checked out my reflection within the mirror as if it have been {a photograph}.
“I didn’t know her hair was that lengthy?” the assistant mentioned. “Me both,” the top hairdresser mentioned.
My hair had at all times been this lengthy. My hair had by no means not been this lengthy. In my audition, which the showrunner had attended, in all my becoming photographs, in my complete nineteen years of life that I had lived up till now, my hair had at all times been this lengthy. However they gave the impression to be upset with me inadvertently for not telling them that my hair was this lengthy. It was beneath my boobs at this level and, as beforehand males‑ tioned, had been ever since they met me.
They continued to stare at me within the mirror because the assistant took a photograph, texted it to somebody, waited for a reply, after which turned to the top hairdresser and mentioned, “He doesn’t prefer it. It’s worthwhile to minimize a bob and we’d like her on set in 5 for a blocking rehearsal, with brief hair.”
The blood drained solely from the physique of the hairdresser as if a vampire had tapped her like a keg. After which she snapped to and started to tear the hair and make-up trailer aside looking for her reducing scissors. Three minutes into our 5 minutes, she gave up her search and held up a straight razor. That’s when she instructed me she couldn’t discover her scissors and this must do. After which, with out a lot as asking me, she went to work. She grabbed a fistful of my lengthy, thick horse mane of hair and started slicing it Sweeney Todd–model. Because it fell round me I simply stored considering, Perhaps it is a dream, possibly it is a prank, possibly I by no means received this half in any respect and this complete factor has been a hallucination.
Two minutes later I used to be gazing myself within the mirror with chin‑size hair. The remainder of it sprawled on the bottom round me, lacking its host. I might nonetheless really feel it, nearly like a phantom limb. A manufacturing assistant got here in and whisked me off to set for a blocking rehearsal that I floated by. No one talked about my hair once more. No one talked about the size or the truth that it seemed like someone had frantically minimize it with a straight razor, which they’d.
The primary day of taking pictures was successful, and minus my impromptu haircut, I had a blast. One of many actors on the present was directing for the primary time, and he was completely unbelievable at it. And one thing in regards to the power of it being his first day at one thing new put me barely comfortable about waltzing into this overwhelming, profitable, and established present as a beginner who had simply had a traumatizing 6:00 a.m. haircut with a utensil not meant to chop hair.
I went house on the finish of that day having forgotten solely about how my morning had began till I washed my hair and realized how actually uneven the minimize really was. But it surely didn’t matter, nothing a trim in an precise salon with precise scissors couldn’t repair.
I did a pair extra episodes of the present that season. And whereas the nerves didn’t solely put on off and there have been nonetheless bumps alongside the street and the opposite actors undoubtedly stored to themselves fairly a bit, it was nonetheless a thrill and I liked each second of it.
And I at all times received together with the crew so nicely. It turned out the on‑set props man lived a pair blocks from me in Venice, and we grew to become buddies and he taught me learn how to play the ukulele. The costume designer was an absolute twister of a lady who I got here to adore. Her sincerity in her ridiculousness was one thing I needed I might emulate. When she’d attempt to put me in a pair of pants I used to be satisfied I wouldn’t be capable of breathe in and I’d say, “These aren’t going to suit,” she’d at all times reply with, “Should you can zip ’em, they match.”
After which a wonderful factor occurred. They requested me to return again and do extra episodes for the next season. I used to be over the moon — how might I be so fortunate? I confirmed up on set for the primary episode of the brand new season prepared for something. If they’d requested me to buzz my head I’d have been cool with it. If they’d requested me to get bare, I in all probability would have completed it. I used to be able to roll with no matter they threw at me. Or so I believed.
The present’s creator and showrunner was an intense human. He directed some episodes each season however not all of them. This one was being directed by another person. The showrunner wasn’t at all times round, however when he was, your complete vibe of the set would change, as if a chilly entrance had swept the soundstage. I by no means solely understood why. He was undoubtedly spirited and opinionated, however there’s means worse than that in Hollywood. I had at all times thought there was possibly one thing I used to be lacking.
I used to be appropriate.
We have been doing a blocking rehearsal when he confirmed up on set. The scene was brief and straightforward. I used to be meant to return into the workplace, inform everybody I had photographs of one thing vital, take away them from the manila envelope I used to be carrying, and place them on the desk. Then everybody had a number of extra traces and that was it. So we’re rehearsing, I stroll in, I am going to take the photographs out of the envelope, and the showrunner calls “Reduce.” Not the director of the episode, the showrunner. And all of us have a look at one another like, Did someone do one thing fallacious? All of us thought the scene was going tremendous.
He will get up out of his chair on the screens and walks towards me slowly, wanting on the floor your complete time like he’s attempting to determine learn how to phrase what he’s about to say. And when he lastly stops proper in entrance of me, he takes a number of extra beats earlier than he lifts his head, appears at me, and says, “What the fuck are you doing?” To which I say, “Um…rehearsing?”
After which he grabs my hand that’s holding the manila envelope and he says, “No! What the fuck are you doing with this! That’s not how you’re taking one thing out of an envelope! Do it once more!”
So we do it once more, and once more, and once more. And each time we get to the a part of the scene the place I’m meant to take the photographs out of the envelope, he calls “Reduce” and he will get up and he yells. Nicely, first, he begins off simply elevating his voice, which escalates to yelling, which ultimately mutates into full‑out screaming.
He spews the kitchen sink at me: “You’re doing it fallacious!”
“How the fuck are you able to suppose that appears proper in any respect?”
“That’s not how anybody would take away something from an envelope ever!”
“I don’t perceive — after I forged you, you knew learn how to act.” “I’m truthfully confused at how one can be so unhealthy at this.” “Did you overlook learn how to act, Mamet?”
“What’s fallacious with you?” “Do it once more.”
“Do it once more.” “DO IT AGAIN.”
Ultimately he gave up or received bored. However this lasted for a few half hour. And no person stopped it. Everybody simply stared at their sneakers whereas he screamed at me. Ultimately we completed the blocking rehearsal and shot the scene. I completed my day. I walked to my automobile and referred to as my brokers and instructed them I give up. I used to be alleged to do 4 extra episodes that season, not together with the one I used to be on, however I instructed them I didn’t care what they needed to do, I didn’t care if the community sued me, I refused to return on that set for yet one more day than I really needed to. I don’t bear in mind anything about the remainder of that shoot. I believe I’ve blocked it out.
The present went on to interrupt data for awards and rankings. And it deserved it. It’s an unbelievable piece of tv, and I really feel insanely honored to have been part of it. I really feel pleased with the work I did on that present and I wouldn’t take again any of it for a second. It’s all a studying expertise, proper?
I bumped into that showrunner on the Emmys a number of years later. Each of our exhibits have been nominated. He pretended to not know who I used to be. They swept the awards that night time and a part of me resented him for that. However you understand, he hasn’t actually made something since. And generally I take into consideration him sitting in his workplace alone feeling unhappy and offended and anxious and questioning if everybody’s forgotten him, and for a second it makes me really feel sorry for him, really feel compassion for him, hope that his life isn’t too unhealthy…
However let’s be actual, just for a second.
From DOES THIS MAKE ME FUNNY?, by Zosia Mamet, revealed by Viking Books, an imprint of the Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random Home LLC. Copyright © 2025 by Zosia Mamet.
